Down with the Crown

Crowning Disappointment 

I spent my Sunday night begrudgingly watching Miss USA for a project I've been working on. I will try to separate my feeling about pageants from this post but to a small degree the two do go hand in hand. If you want to talk to women about foreign policy, why do 50 of them need to strut around in bikinis and evening gowns six times before finally giving 10 of them a chance to prove they have a brain? 

I digress...

After several struts, smiles and costume changes, it came time for the interview. Up to bat, Miss Iowa. The question: "A recent New York Times story suggested "narcissism is an epidemic" and America's youth are turning into a "hyper-entitled self absorbed generation." Agree or disagree?"

The answer: "I actually do agree with that. I think social media and technology has allowed the youth to post pictures and videos of themselves. That to me seems kind of narcissistic."

Though I do love irony, I'll refrain from posting a link to her Facebook fan page.

Anyways, after a few more crown hopefuls came through we eventually got to Miss Nevada. This is where things got interesting. Her question, asked by Rumer Willis, comes after an alarming statistic about date rape on college campuses. Willis: "Why do you think this crime has been swept under the rug and what can colleges do to combat it?"

Miss Nevada: " I believe that some colleges may be potentially afraid of having a bad reputation and that would be a reason it would be swept under the rug- because they don't want that to come out into the public." 

Yeah, I would agree with that. It does pose unique marketing challenges...

She continues: "But, I think awareness is very important so women can learn to protect themselves. Myself, a fourth-degree black belt, I learned from a young age that you need to be confident and be able to defend yourself. And I think that's something that we should start to really implement for a lot of women."

Ugh. What started strong ended with a nose dive into victim blaming. Shifting the responsibility right off the rapist to not rape, and directly on the victim to keep from being victimized. Lovely. 

And let me just state for the record, It's not that I'm against self defense,pepper spray, or locking doors. I've taken self defense, at times have carried mace, and double check to make sure my doors are locked every night before  bed. There is nothing wrong with taking extra precautions. But, the problem with her answer is that most women aren't fourth degree black belts, and confidence has nothing to do with becoming a victim of rape. 

From the moment Rumer muttered the question, I knew this was coming. I was immediately flooded with a rush of emotions. On one hand, I was so glad this subject was even broached. Every year, the Miss America Pageant captures the attention of young women across the country, for better or worse. But I can't help but wonder if it would have been better for the cause had the question not been asked. Awareness is only helpful when it sends the right message. While I'm sure Miss Nevada never intended her message to be harmful, it is in turn saying, "I'm a black belt and I'm confident. I am fulfilling my responsibility to keep from being raped." It perpetuates that notion that if you didn't fight hard enough, or even at all- you allowed it. but in reality, very few people would use black belt karate moves on a friend, boyfriend or date. And those are the mass majority of people who commit rape. Nearly 90 percent of the time it's someone known to the victim. And, news flash: it's really hard to be an effective black belt when you're blackout drunk. Many victims are incapacitated or not in a position to give consent. Further more according to the National Report on Self Esteem, 98% of girls feel there is an immense pressure from external sources to look a certain way. By that measure, only 2% of girls feel confident in how they look. Thank GOD incidents of rape do not correlate with victims' confidence. 

A recent UN study revealed 70% of men who admitted to committing rape did so because they felt entitled. Entitlement is a dangerous trait. But entitlement can likely be lessened through education. All the self defense in the world will not combat an attitude of entitlement. And as long as we continue to perpetuate the stereotype of rapists being masked criminals lurking in dark alleys, society will unsurprisingly continue to look to self defense as the answer.

Watching Miss USA didn't open my eyes to anything new in the world of pageants. I didn't expect it to. And even though the question took a turn I hoped it wouldn't, it being asked is an indicator of progress. There's a  societal shift taking place. People are finally beginning to recognizing an epidemic that's existed for decades. But as Miss Nevada's answer proves, we've still got a long way to go.  

Even If...

Rape and the blame game. Sadly, the two go hand in hand and it comes from every angle. From self- defense classes that, while helpful in some situations, also perpetuate an idea that women are responsible for keeping themselves from being raped. It comes from friends who dismiss your assault as, "boys will be boys." It comes from rape supportive attitudes, "she's been with everyone, now she just regrets it." It comes from attorneys who put the character of the victim on the stand, when 15 out of 16 rapists will never spend a day in jail.

Worst of all, the blame game also comes from victims them self.

Well... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. For every victim who has ever felt ashamed or to blame for their assault, this post is for you. Rape is NEVER your fault. Ever.

I'm starting a list called "Even if..."

We are going to add every possible scenario that could happen and make a victim feel guilty. Add to it and lets see how many we can get! You can tweet them to me at @BergenNBaucom with #EvenIf or you can add them to the comments section of this blog.

I'll start...

Even if... you were swinging naked from the rafters.
Even if... you said yes then midway through changed your mind.
Even if... you "led him on."
Even if... you told him you would.
Even if... you had been with 15 people already that night. If you didn't say yes to 16.... that's rape.
Even if you had been with 15 people at THE SAME TIME. (Curious how you did that logistically) but still... non means no and yes means yes.
Even if... you straddled him... both naked parts touching. No is no. Yes is yes.
Even if... you were on drugs.
Even if... you were drunk.
Even if... you are a prostitute.
Even if... you are a porn star.
Even if... you are a wanna be porn star.
Even if... you are a virgin.
Even if... you've been with so many people you lost count.
Even if... you talked dirty.
Even if... you watched porn together.
Even if... You've had sex with him before.
Even if... he's your boyfriend.
Even if... he's your husband.
Even if... he's your ex.
Even if... he was your first.
Even if... he said he loved you. Sex without consent is not love... or sex. It's rape and it's wrong.
Even if... he pressured you.
Even if... you had planned this big elaborate "sexacpade" for months... in detail with great excitement. But then, it comes time to act on it, and oops! You changed your mind. No is no. Yes is yes.
Even if... he's so turned on he says "he can't stop." That's a lie. And that's rape.
Even if... he took you on a helicopter ride around the city, then had an airplane write your name in the sky while you ate caviar on the beaches of Italy. Cool date, but not rape worthy. Oh wait,  NOTHING IS WORTHY OF SEX WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Moving on...
Even if... he gave you ride to class and did your homework.
Even if... "you owe him one."
Even if... other people call you a slut. Know your own worth. Don't let others make you feel inferior. There is nothing wrong with owning and claiming your sexuality.
Even if... other people call you a prude. Again... Know your own worth. Don't let others make you feel inferior. There is nothing wrong with owning and claiming your sexuality.